I read about a spiritual pathway in India and I can’t find it right now in Autobiography of a Yogi, but it was something like a path of self-examination. A man who lives this path tells young Mukunda Lal Ghosh (Paramahansa Yogananda) that there is no rest, in the sense that he must be ever watchful of his motives, thoughts, desires, and so on, because there is no outer guru guiding him. I have come to believe that because of my own misuse of power as a spiritual teacher in a previous life, I was (having earned the karma) rejected in this life by my former teacher. It almost killed me, but it was when I set upon this self-examination path.

Knowing this, I should not be surprised at the depth of the torment I am now experiencing, but I am. I’m shocked. All my life, I’ve been thinking after every deep uncovering of some aspect of my dark side, ‘Whew! I made it! I’ve passed through the worst of that imbalance or perspective.’ This is true and not true at the same time—sure, I passed through something—but, how could there still be so much more?

Dan Millman, in THE LIFE YOU WERE BORN TO LIVE, an insightful book on numerology, says of those with the number six Life Purpose:

“If they do slip, the regrets and guilts they suffer are usually worse than any punishment. Even when doing very good work, they have a little voice inside that says, “It could be better.” They try too hard, feel too responsible, and are generally hard on themselves. When they criticize other people, they are likely to judge themselves for judging others.”

I was so extremely self-critical in the past, I had no room for criticizing others. How could I judge you, say, when I was crawling on my belly through life? Apparently, I had to get up and off the floor to even see other people and unleash ‘the judge’ on them.

I had an unexpected run-in with a neighboring apartment dweller last week. I had put a note on her car window that said: ‘Please, don’t park in my parking space,’ which she had been doing for months. (I don’t use the car very often; my daughter has it because she attends college five days a week and works. But when I do have it and the apartments fill up at night, there are no open parking spaces.) She took my note as an opportunity to make an insurance/theft claim and called the police and told them she suspected I broke into her car and stole her stereo equipment. When the police came to the apartment office, the assistant manager wouldn’t give them my name because she knew I didn’t do it. My inner ‘judge’ had already been busy for a couple weeks, judging here, there and everywhere, but, my, oh, my, did the real ‘judge’ come roaring to the surface!

It was a test and I tripped. I’ve felt desperate, thinking, ‘I’ve been writing here about non-judgment, mutual respect and tolerance for 2-1/2 years. How is it possible that all this is still inside me?’ I think it’s because we can only see our dark sides so much at a time. If the real judge had awakened any sooner, my heart might have cracked. But I am stronger now, surprised, but stronger, and it is my duty to work this through. Being hyper-critical of myself, the only way I’ll get through this is to simply ‘let it go’ whenever I become aware that another zinger about myself or someone else has come into my mind. It’s been so bad these past days, it’s no longer just ‘judgment eye bubbles.’ There’s been an awful smell coming from my kitchen sink; I called the office and asked them to come ‘unplug’ it, but the only way the smell would go was self-realization: ‘As your attitude stinks, so does the sink,’ my Higher Self said. ‘Oh–like the rhyme?’ she asked. ‘I do try to oblige.’

‘Real funny,’ I thought back. ‘The eye bubbles aren’t enough?’

‘Apparently not,’ she added. ‘But don’t worry, I am always with you.’