Tug of War

I settled, again, into a funk a while back, feeling old and cranky and lost. Posting for 365 days (from June 2009 through June 2010) kept me focused and more peaceful, though if you had read them all, you’d have seen where I sank into pride or judging others or wrote while in bad mood. Even so, feeling called to the computer to write for a spiritual purpose released inner joy and I felt connected to my higher-self. I generally meditated before writing but often had trouble quieting my ‘monkey mind’ to listen for Love. In spite of the difficulties, because of an inner push and commitment and sincerity, the healing words came–for me and perhaps for someone else who happened upon Notes Along the Path.

After the year, I stopped writing for a while and was surprised at how quickly I lost the awareness of joy. So, I gave myself permission to come back to the computer whenever I needed to. Ever since then, I’ve been writing here and there and, interestingly (to me anyway), on those focused, centered-in-my-heart days, I feel better, more like I can cope with all that’s going on. On the un-centered days, the funk sneaks up on me. Apparently writing about God = Love = Higher Self = Compassion is now necessary for me. Is it because I feel a primary obligation to meditate on those days? (I must also ask, after all these years of meditating, admittedly on and off, why don’t I meditate every day? I suspect it has, as always, to do with not wanting to see the ‘stuff’ that is exposed.)  

 The word ‘reconciliation’ came to me this morning. If you look it up in the dictionary, you’ll see definitions like:

  1. The end of conflict or renewal of friendly relations;
  2. The making of two or more apparently conflicting things compatible;
  3. The sacrament of penance in the Catholic Church whereby a person’s sins are absolved through confession and penance.

I love the second one: ‘The making of two or more apparently conflicting things compatible.’ This one fits with my lower-self/higher-self tug of war and does give me hope. Eventually it will all be reconciled. I will give up self-pity and fall into the soft arms of God’s Love, made whole at last.