In a dream this morning, I was at a friend’s house, who was worried. She had cancer, and had learned that her house that was once worth $430,000 was now only worth $30,000. I was there, trying to help her figure out, or understand, how the house, too, had lost so much value. A guru came by. He sat and talked, walked around the house, pointed out the two sparkling pools, and waited to see if we, or even just one of us, would go with him. Neither of us had before I woke up.
In the dream, I was both the sick friend (I have a chronic illness) who lost all her net worth (I have), and the person trying to understand. How could this possibly happen—such extreme loss? The dream reflects my inability to be a wholehearted spiritual seeker because I am so involved in the physical/material world—not what I have, but what I have lost. (We can be attached either way.) Jesus Christ said it is easier for a man to fit through the eye of a needle than to give up his worldly goods. And, it is. It’s hard to have your physical and mental capabilities, and material-world net worth, stripped away while you’re strutting around. I guess me having them stripped away was the only way I would eventually acknowledge the truth.
I am on a spiritual path and have been sincere much of the time. I believe the sparkling pools reflect this. But the theme of loss, including loved ones and dear friendships, has been the thread of my life and I still want to understand. Why? Why did this happen to me? Can I get my health and my ‘value’ back? I’ve been asking these same questions since 1997 and they’re really getting old. (Our ‘value’ is not of this physical world. Everything here belongs to the planet, including our bodies, and our Creator, who gives us our souls and the ‘breath of life.’ We can take nothing with us when we cross over; it is all truly on loan to us.)
Why have I held on so tightly, for so long? I have a strong will, which in itself is not a bad thing. But strong wills can be used for good or for evil, for truth-seeking or for lying to ourselves about what we’re honestly thinking and feeling, about our desires and the questions: “Will we let them go? Will we jump into the River of Divine Life and trust the process?”
I suppose I’ll keep writing about my struggles and any evolution. How about you? Do you know the River? Will you jump? Will you stay?