Lying to Myself

Not So Sweet

Not So Sweet

In a dream this morning, I was at a friend’s house, who was worried. She had cancer, and had learned that her house that was once worth $430,000 was now only worth $30,000. I was there, trying to help her figure out, or understand, how the house, too, had lost so much value. A guru came by. He sat and talked, walked around the house, pointed out the two sparkling pools, and waited to see if we, or even just one of us, would go with him. Neither of us had before I woke up.

In the dream, I was both the sick friend (I have a chronic illness) who lost all her net worth (I have), and the person trying to understand. How could this possibly happen—such extreme loss? The dream reflects my inability to be a wholehearted spiritual seeker because I am so involved in the physical/material world—not what I have, but what I have lost. (We can be attached either way.) Jesus Christ said it is easier for a man to fit through the eye of a needle than to give up his worldly goods. And, it is. It’s hard to have your physical and mental capabilities, and material-world net worth, stripped away while you’re strutting around. I guess me having them stripped away was the only way I would eventually acknowledge the truth.

I am on a spiritual path and have been sincere much of the time. I believe the sparkling pools reflect this. But the theme of loss, including loved ones and dear friendships, has been the thread of my life and I still want to understand. Why? Why did this happen to me? Can I get my health and my ‘value’ back? I’ve been asking these same questions since 1997 and they’re really getting old. (Our ‘value’ is not of this physical world. Everything here belongs to the planet, including our bodies, and our Creator, who gives us our souls and the ‘breath of life.’ We can take nothing with us when we cross over; it is all truly on loan to us.)

Why have I held on so tightly, for so long? I have a strong will, which in itself is not a bad thing. But strong wills can be used for good or for evil, for truth-seeking or for lying to ourselves about what we’re honestly thinking and feeling, about our desires and the questions: “Will we let them go? Will we jump into the River of Divine Life and trust the process?”

I suppose I’ll keep writing about my struggles and any evolution. How about you? Do you know the River? Will you jump? Will you stay?


7 thoughts on “Lying to Myself

  1. Pam, this post evokes a mixture of feelings in me. First of all, I continue to be humbled by the serenity with which you have accepted the severe health challenges that have significantly limited your life over the last several years. Secondly, I feel sad when I think of you trying to come to terms with your own death. While I know we all must do that, your health challenges have forced that reality on your earlier than many of us. And lastly, I feel like you are being kind of hard on yourself; judging yourself from a spiritual perspective for clinging to the material world. It is easy to accept teachings with our heads; accepting them with our hearts is another matter; and is somewhat beyond our control. I want you to be gentle with yourself around this because it is huge; coming to terms with your own mortality; letting go of the human dreams on this planet. I know you do not fear death, but I think that you are clinging to this life because you are not finished living yet. I can’t see that as evil; stubborn and bloody-minded perhaps. But not evil. Maybe your work here is not yet done? With love…Kim

    • Hi Kim, Your comment evokes mixed feelings in me! 🙂 I had to go back and read what I wrote, to see what you see there. I realized the dream could be looked at in an entirely different way: that the house represents my body, and it was once valued at 430,000, now just 30,000. I haven’t been feeling well–fading somewhat, spending more time lying down. That is a little scary because I definitely am not ready to go. Then I rethought the guru coming by–did he come to take me home or to tell me to prepare? Maybe the dream where I saw my hopes and dreams flying away (in a basket with wings) was about an early out, too. At the time, I had been thinking of grandkids and having my stories touch people’s hearts, like Little Women and The Secret Garden touched mine. I cried because I didn’t want to miss having grandkids and I thought, “God must want something else from me.” I didn’t even think it might be an early passing. Wow.
      And, honest, I don’t think of wanting to be here as evil or bloody minded. I was thinking of how we can use our human wills for good or evil. 🙂 And, yes, it is very hard to let go of our dreams–God, I know that one–and the love we have in our lives. (I believe those love connections stay with us, here or on the other side.) But there is something to be said about at least reflecting on the teachings of the great Masters, that we and life are so much more than we appear to be here, that we are beings of Light and our worldly attachments keep the picture murky. How do we know this and still live a regular life? I don’t know, but I’m working on understanding. Thank you so much for your care and insight and blessings, Kim. Pam

  2. Shape up…..Life is life and whatever you do, you are part of the Creation as well as the Creator.

    My kindest, warmest regards,

  3. I am a Buddhist, and believe that our attachment to physical things bring pain and suffering. Perhaps the guru in your dream represents the Buddhist principles of letting go and non-attachment. In dreams, water usually represents the subconscious, so the pools might represent your conflicting desires of non-attachment vs. your attachment to the outcome of your health and finances.

    The Guru is waiting for you to join him — possibly on the road to enlightenment. Or possibly the guru is Christ himself. The message of Jesus Christ is basically the same. Have no attachment to temporal and earthly things, because ‘in my father’s house are many mansions’ which are prepared and waiting for the faithful.

    One of the few certainties in life is loss. If we can lessen our attachments, it reduces the sense of loss.

    Ill health can be an opportunity to use the time to begin the contemplative life,and to put aside the active life. It can be viewed not as a loss but as an opportunity.

    If we can learn to trust in the Universe, or in God, (whatever one’s beliefs are), we will be at ease in our minds and bodies. Matthew says: Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.

    Once I learned that tomorrow is none of my business until it becomes today, life became much easier.

    • Hi Impudentmarti,
      Thank you for your very thoughtful comment. You’ve given the keys to living at peace in just a few short paragraphs–words of wisdom to be treasured.
      My ill health has given me time for reflection and it has been both my curse and my blessing. I’ve known in my mind that I should let go, but have had a hard time in truly doing so, always grabbing something back. Still, I’ve progressed along my path toward loving-detachment and hope to someday know that ‘tomorrow is none of my business until it becomes today.’ Thank you for those words. 🙂
      I wondered also about the two clear pools of water, which the guru pointed out to me. Why two, both clear? Maybe showing me what peace is: clear, calm and sparkling. I’m not sure at this point, but it will probably come to me.
      Also, may I put your comment online as a Guest Post? Or would you write something to be posted at Notes? You have a lot to say in very few words.
      Thanks again,
      Pam B

      • Hello Impudentmarti, When I was resting today, thinking about the two pools, an answer came to me. The guru was showing me the peace available to both my ill self and my questioning self, if only I will swim. Just wanted to share. Thanks again. Pam B

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