When I was 23, I met the woman who would become my spiritual guide. At the core of all of her beliefs and feelings was this simple prayer: “Your will be done, Lord.” At the time, not understanding what this prayer requires, I thought, “Well, okay. I’m going to trust her on this.” Life marched on and I was 30, divorced and childless; my inner clock, it turned out, was ticking quite persistently and I could not abandon myself to God’s will. What if God doesn’t want me to have children? I thought.
I began my search for a husband who wanted children and tried really, really hard not to think about God’s will on the subject. It’s not that I believed God was certain to say no; it was that I didn’t want to take the chance. If I asked, and God said, “Not this lifetime,” I would have been consciously going against God’s will, which would have been very hard. Not asking was me playing a trick on myself; God knew all along what I was thinking, feeling, planning and doing and gave me full reign. My children and I escaped the self-generated, and most severe, of the repercussions of my juggling by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin.
I wish I knew back then what I know now: We are born to fulfill our hopes and dreams, the ones that sparkle in our eyes on our first birthday—before we are bumped and bruised by life. We all make stupid decisions, experience bumps, falls, accidents, and if we don’t try to understand who we are and where we came from, and why we’re here, we can grow old and bitter pretty early on. That’s definitely not why we’re here.
We’re meant to get up, no matter how many times we fall, and try again. We’re meant to learn from our mistakes and grow into more conscious human beings, meaning that we’re operating from the place within us that sees the best for us and for everyone else, too. We’re meant to love and give and serve, whether that begins with our spouse and children, or we end up making the world a better place in some amazing way. God, by whatever name we call Him or Her, is happiest when we are God-like: loving, creative, compassionate and forgiving. God wants the very best for us and knows the promises we make between lives, and that we choose the circumstances we need to become the best humans we can be. We know it, too, even if we don’t remember.
It is never too late to stop being afraid there is a giant man in the sky with a hatchet who intends to inflict vengeance upon us. God is Love and we are seeds of Love. If we are feeling separate from God, know we are given the free will to separate—but it is we who turn away, not our Creator. May Love heal your heart in this moment.