Tug of War

I settled, again, into a funk a while back, feeling old and cranky and lost. Posting for 365 days (from June 2009 through June 2010) kept me focused and more peaceful, though if you had read them all, you’d have seen where I sank into pride or judging others or wrote while in bad mood. Even so, feeling called to the computer to write for a spiritual purpose released inner joy and I felt connected to my higher-self. I generally meditated before writing but often had trouble quieting my ‘monkey mind’ to listen for Love. In spite of the difficulties, because of an inner push and commitment and sincerity, the healing words came–for me and perhaps for someone else who happened upon Notes Along the Path.

After the year, I stopped writing for a while and was surprised at how quickly I lost the awareness of joy. So, I gave myself permission to come back to the computer whenever I needed to. Ever since then, I’ve been writing here and there and, interestingly (to me anyway), on those focused, centered-in-my-heart days, I feel better, more like I can cope with all that’s going on. On the un-centered days, the funk sneaks up on me. Apparently writing about God = Love = Higher Self = Compassion is now necessary for me. Is it because I feel a primary obligation to meditate on those days? (I must also ask, after all these years of meditating, admittedly on and off, why don’t I meditate every day? I suspect it has, as always, to do with not wanting to see the ‘stuff’ that is exposed.)  

 The word ‘reconciliation’ came to me this morning. If you look it up in the dictionary, you’ll see definitions like:

  1. The end of conflict or renewal of friendly relations;
  2. The making of two or more apparently conflicting things compatible;
  3. The sacrament of penance in the Catholic Church whereby a person’s sins are absolved through confession and penance.

I love the second one: ‘The making of two or more apparently conflicting things compatible.’ This one fits with my lower-self/higher-self tug of war and does give me hope. Eventually it will all be reconciled. I will give up self-pity and fall into the soft arms of God’s Love, made whole at last.

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7 thoughts on “Tug of War

  1. I am worried about myself at the end of this journey that I have set myself. But , then I remember that I already have a next step to keep giving me a push to continue something that is constant and every day. I think by the end of this year of poetic expedition I will return to the beginning and go through the poems of the past year and rework them and begin to hunt for a publisher that would be willing to share my works with the rest of the world. It will be a lengthy trek and a worthy one I think. I’ll have to juggle college, life, and the fruits of my year long labor but what is life without a struggle of consciousness? Sometimes even though it may be dreadful to be lost and confused finding the answers to the questions “Who” “What” “When” “Where” “Why” and “How” are honestly some of the most worthy searches.

    I hope all is well,
    And happy holidays.

    • Devin,
      I’m so happy to hear your goals. I do believe writing for a year straight is a good discipline, and it actually helped me to stay on track. (It may be affecting you that way, also.) Yes, I agree! Your work should be published and what an awesome work it will be. I so love your wise words, “What is life without a struggle of consciousness?” (Good book title.) Thanks for popping in and helping to prop me up. I really appreciate it. You’re a good guy!
      If you need any help with that editing, count me in. 🙂 Perhaps you will write about the journey and how it affected your life, too. That would be even more interesting. Happy Holidays to you and yours.
      Love,
      Pam

  2. Thank you so much for the kind offer Pam. I’ll remember that later down on the road. We’ll see where it all lays. 225 more days to go. It’s insane I don’t even know how many poems I have now, I’ll have to go and count them someday soon!

    • You are the most prolific poet ever. You may end up with over a thousand poems in the one-year period at the rate you’re going! That’s pretty amazing, don’t you think? Keep on Keepin’ on. 🙂

      • 1,000 poems that’d be crazy! But highly likely. So we’ll see!

        I’ll keep on keepin with the keepin of the keepin on!

  3. Pam Dear, I enjoyed this insightful post. Just a reminder even a funk has a purpose. That purpose is to grow still in the midst of it and see it for what it is, an opportunity to release and surrender all those thoughts that keep us from our peace. Love you, Sharie

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