Two weeks ago tomorrow is the night I threw a tantrum over a TV station not broadcasting my son’s football game as promised. (Actually, they did broadcast the game—but it mysteriously didn’t work on my TV.) I knew I had an overriding guilt about not ‘being there’ for him at his (far away games), but I didn’t know how angry and disappointed I was because my health and financial circumstances don’t allow me to attend the games. The angry outburst was out of character for me, yet there it was ‘in all its glory.’
I’ve been pondering how it snuck up on me, seemingly out of nowhere. I may be onto something: I had a disagreement about three weeks ago with a hispanic woman (from the next building over) who told me I couldn’t walk my dog, Max, around the apartments. I showed her the newspaper I used to clean up his ‘business’ and she pointed and said, “No, you can’t walk him here. Take him to the dog-poop area over there.” Jaws clenched, I said, “I’ll walk my dog where I want to and I always clean up after him.”I turned and took a few steps but, also out of character for me, I turned back, glared at her and we had a stare down until her son came out of their apartment and asked what was happening. (Now that I think about it, this reminds me of a dream I had about a run-in with my shadow self.) Completing our walk, I thought, “What is her problem?” and “She has her nerve,” and so on.
I knew afterward that I could’ve said what I said without being negative and that I’d opened a ‘negativity’ portal because I didn’t feel right. So stuff has been happening, problems with my computer and expensive repairs with our car. I’m not saying that these are an effect of opening the negativity portal, but I suspect they happened now because I’m off balance and out-of-sorts. Have you noticed that if you get upset or angry, a long list of other things that bother you runs through your mind and everything gets darker, or that your mood affects your electronics, even your car? That’s what happened to me anyway, and it seems I find myself in yet another period of exposing more buried stuff so that I may ‘Know Myself,’ and then let it go.
How’s your week going?