Dark-Self Rebellion

I Am You and You Are Me

Falling asleep last night, I was struck by how unnecessary spiritual rebellion is. It is a scam, an illusory fear of…what? Loss of individuality? Loss of control over how we live? It’s like living under a giant circus tent and we obediently fall into place, sticking our heads into lions’ mouths, putting torches into our own mouths, or walking the tightrope. We’re fierce about it, too. If the lion nearly bites off our head or we catch fire or fall off the tightrope, so be it. At least we did it our own way. The biggest part of the scam is, who do we blame? Not ourselves—we blame the mysterious god in the sky, shaking our fists, cursing his cruel nature, moaning and groaning our way into self-pity and beyond.

The self-inflicted pain of losing relationships or position or assets—whatever it is–eventually leads us to spiritual seeking. We crash, wallow in the mess we’ve made of our lives and call out, “Why ME, dang it? What did I ever do to YOU?” It’s a hard road we take but when, at last, we get to a place of sincerely wanting to understand the great mysteries of life–Who am I? Who is God? Where did I come from? Why all this trouble? What is my purpose?—things settle down. We settle down. We begin the process of peeling our layers off, like we do with onions, and answers come, at whatever pace we choose. If we don’t make it to this seeking place, we live and die, and come back to try again. We are allowed all the time we need because free will is free will. How we live is our choice, but when we’re ready, Love is always there to catch us.

This is on my mind because I have been, absurdly, resisting meditation. Meditation is the quiet, connecting, consoling place of Grace, so why resist? It’s another onion layer—our miserable dark selves holding onto loss and pain and me-ness. “Pardon me,” the whining voice says, “but as you well know, I am the center of the universe. Name one good reason why I should give up my place?”

Well, okay, give me a minute. How about unconditional love?

“Sorry, I’m not familiar with that concept.”

Joy?

“I’m as happy as could be!”

Peace?

“Peace! Are you kidding me? I like my boxing gloves. I LOVE my boxing gloves!”

Well, what do you want?

“I want what I want, whatever it is, right when I want it.”

That’s what I thought. And you don’t want to meditate? Why?

“Because.”

Because why?

“It’s too quiet in there! And too much light! I prefer the dark. And I don’t want you to see me.”

I see. Hmmmm. Did you know that you are me and I am you?

“Kind of. But I don’t want to be so close. It’s dangerous.”

What do you mean?

“I hate hugs! I hate them! No! Stop it! Get away!”

Oh, c’mere, you big baby. I’ve got you.

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